Realisation.

Driving home was like coming back from a dream. I talked to my dad and told him a lot of things I could never have told him before, I could actually talk to him, this was weird.
I couldn’t settle for a while, still with Uni on my mind, but its getting better.

I couldn’t sleep in my room, it felt wrong, crammed with old memories I didn’t need anymore. So I moved everything, my bed, my draws, it took sweat, blisters and stubbed toes but I feel better. My bed is no longer next to my window, but facing down across my room, my dressing table is next to my window, with a vase of yellow roses from my mum. I cleared out 7 bags of things, clothes, toys, old work, all of it used to mean something, but not its all obsolete, I’ve never remembered or needed any of it whilst being up in stoke so I can live without it. I’m refusing to horde old memories anymore; I hate living in the past.

Everything and everybody here is the same, nothings changed since I left, I feel like I’m taking steps backwards already. I don’t want to get lazy. I got high, but it wasn’t what I remember, I listened to the music I’d forgotten, and I can’t relate to anymore, I can’t remember the fun I used to have here. I feel bloated from munchies and my brains shutting off again.

At least I have some time away. It still sucks, but its helping me realise what an arsehole you were, yes I got upset and angry with myself, I took it all out on myself but I shouldn’t have, I should be angry with you, I should refuse to talk to you, and I wish I could, but life’s to short, still would like you around, so I’m biting my tongue, the feeling will go away, then maybe we can be cool. I really don’t care what you think of me at the moment, I’m glad I’m away from you for a while. I’ve stopped defending you to people anymore, because I believe them, you did mess me around. At least I know never to let it happen again.

I wish i'd have known before.