I have a little pit of panic swelling up inside me that keeps bursting out in spurts of chain smoking, frustrated confused rants and throwing shoes around my room. I'm tired and tense and irritated, all I want to do is spend long lazy days in bed rather than running round trying to negotiate the media centre and fucking siso and snooty looks and early dysfunctional mornings and a temperamental keyboard.

Its just one of those days.....again....where everything, technology, the elements and my own functionality seem against me.

I hate not getting my work done, and I'm trying which is the most annoying thing, I want to be good at my work and there's no reason why I shouldn't be, but the more I think, the more I panic and the more I want to hide.

Ugh.

Good morning.

Thing of awesome No1:

Fish Finger Sandwich for Breakfast.....



Ok mine wasn't quite this mega but it was still mouthgasmic










No2:

Had a Freaky Scary dream.....


I remember flashes of walking skeletons, faces in the clouds and seeing my own death. This was awesome because In a weird way it made me proud of my sub concious, imaginative little bastard that it is. Yes a bit terrifying but I woke up alive.






No3:
Tonight.....We party....


I haven't graced a night out since the last tragic night of nearly passing out in the LRV, being walked/carried home, weeping over a spilt ash tray whilst having to be undressed all the time trying not to vomit. Good night.

That was a week or 2 ago, an unacceptably long time for a student to be sober I believe. Anticipation for tonight is mounting.


No4

watching lots and lots of Flight of the concords,
in my pyjama's.....


"Does the cold of deep space
Make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae
to transmit date back to earth?
I betcha do, you freaky old bastard you."


And finally........

No5:

No alarm clock. Morning cuddles. Pillow fights.







I Love the little things in life x

I hate seeing my friends upset, especially when it seems so easily fixable. Well on the surface its easy but I guess that's only if you ignore all hurt feelings and bad words spoken, which is not so straightforward. But through whatever insecurity you have, whatever bitterness, hurting people becomes a way of coping. I feel sorry for people that cope in this way. Why go out of your way to cause hatred and upset people, especially a friend who cares so much about you and who speaks with such pained sincerity about your worth to him. I hope this gets fixed, lifes to short to make enemies out of your friends.

"Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead. Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already"


"Thank Heaven! the crisis --The danger, is past, and the lingering illness, is over at last --, and the fever called ''Living'' is conquered at last."


"For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

Brian and Nick = YES

"It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause she's lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?"

Saturday afternoon, trying to occupy my mind with Hunky Dory, Dorian Grey and candle smoke.

Also I remembered this video that my friend Dan showed me over summer.
I challenge you to watch it without being disturbed, wanting to cry or feel slightly sick.
Its just put me in a very odd mood. Its beautiful in a haunting way, heart-wrenchingly sad and shows a deep understanding of human emotion and soul, without any words.
And its just some genuinely creepy shit really.






Right after watching that I seriously need to cheer myself up . Once again I have to much to do and not enough time for all of it.

1. Start writing news story
2. Read more Dorian Grey
3. Print out web pages
4. Rent an old film from the library
5. Stop feeling so overwhelmed

x