Im happy, comfy, laughing, the only thing to make this better would be being cuddled. ^-^


oh yes and this is me in a past life......



i was chinese
AND
it explains the shark/dinosaur phobia .....

njndwjshdxnwxjdnxsxmdfhndjbncwjshdnishdjeioskxmejkdnewdniwomios

WIN :D

Today has lacked awesome. I feel lazy, I just want to get out somewhere and do something that dosnt involve being stoned or getting wasted.

I have however re-kindled my love of strawberry's today, I went off them for ages because they were sour, (i have an insane sweet tooth), but had some today and it was like eating summer. I need to eat more fruit, less rubbish. I wish I hadnt eat so much at all today. Im starting an official diet, no weed, I cant handle having the munchies every day. I hate having days when i feel and look bigger and the image that i see in the mirror seems warped, it makes me angry and unhappy.

Im getting my tongue pierced and my hair done and I hope I will feel different. I know its awful but I will feel more myself once dan moves out, he brings me down a lot, he has a very depressing outlook on life that makes me spiral into pointlessness much of the time, I'm finding it harder to have a good time around him when all he talks about is how we shouldnt exist, how humans are worthless and everything would be better if there was nothing, or if he killed himself.

I know he never would kill himself but I have my days when I worry about him. He's smarter than he gives himself credit for and he could do so much more than he will let himself, it frustrates me. Since beign at Uni its given me a different perspective, life has so much more meaning and worth. Why sit and waste it? I cant explain whey were here or wether we should be, maybe we would all be better off never existing at all, its one way of looking at things, but if you have this constant perspective that you are a useless life, disconnected from everything, cut off, how can you ever be happy?

Me and Dan are very opposite, and i have to constantly argue my optamistic perspective of life, trying to convince him that there is value and happiness in existing and that life is not expendable.
Even so, today has not been a good day. Not because of any particular event, worry or fear, but just through my recent lack of sleep and brain use, I'm restless.

I miss Stoke already, I can't talk to anyone down here as much. I've either grown up or become boring?

Right, enough of this silly typing. The rest of my thoughts will have to be ignored for now. I'm going to amuse myself with wandering, I will do something worthwhile today, everyday should be worth something.
I miss you.


"At 3 A.M. these streetlights light the way
But don't illuminate the question in my mind
"Am I going anywhere?"
The things we aspire to change
They just stay the same
The things I aspire to be
Seem to elude me"

Death is not glamorous- Set in stone.

I've spent to much time latley feeling wrong, odd, useless and unattractive. The reign of self pity over my life had subdued my confidence and my belief in myself. I just want to take off all my make up, brush out all the hairspray, sit in an old t-shirt and have someone think i'm beautiful.

Its all a fake mystery of unnesscary perception. We get lost in worlds, attracted to the beautful, the empty, petty need to fit, to be right. None of it is real. The reality is the connection between everything, its to hard to percieve for more than a few fleeting moments of the day, but its something that should always be thought on. We are filled with a hollow ignorance of the world, blinded by everyday interactions, obsessions. We hide away because the struggle to understand ourselves is intimidating and seemingly impossible. We hide behind a falsehood of consumption and materialism.

Find yourself. Don't be consumed by the insignificant.

x

This example of emotive imagery is of child in Uganda holding hands with a missionary. The stark contrast between the two people serves as a reminder of the gulf in wealth between developed and developing countries. Mike Wells, the photographer, took this picture to show the extent of starvation in Africa. He took it for a magazine, and when they went 5 months without printing it, he decided to enter it into a competition. However, Wells has stated that he is against winning a compeition with a picture of a starving boy.

This shocking photo depicts a starving Sudanese child being stalked by a patient vulture. It is a horrific picture that gave people a true look at the dire condition in Sub-Saharan Africa. Kevin Carter, who took the photo, won a Pulitzer Prize for this work. Kevin then came under a lot of scrutiny for spending over 20 minutes setting up the photo instead of helping the child. Three months after taking the photo, he committed suicide.

The book on the taboo against knowing who you are. Brillent.

"It is a special kind of enlightenment to have this feeling that usual, the way things normally are, is odd, uncanny and highly improbable. this feeling of universal oddity includes a basis and wintense wondering about the sense of things.

Why of all possible worlds, this colossal and apparently unnesscarry multitude of galexies in a mysteriously curved spacetime continuum, these myriads of differing tube-species playing frantic games of one-upmanship.

This wonder is not a disease, wonder is an expression in poetry and art it seems to distinguise the inetlligent and the sensetive from the morons.

We suffer a hallucination, from a false and distorted sesnsation of our own existence as living organisms.

This feeling of being lonely and very temporary visitors in the universe is in flat contradiction to everything known about man. We do not come ito this world. We come out of it.

Many people know this to be true, but continue to be aware of themselves as isolated "egos" inside bags of skin.

Irrevocable commitment to any religion is intellictual suicide. Just as money is not real, consumable wealth, books are not life. To idolize scriptures is like eating paper currancy.

The taboo is that our normal sensation of self is a hoax or, at, at best a temporary role which we are playing, or have been conned into playing with our own tacit consent, unwillingly hypnotized. The most strongly enforced of all known taboo's is the taboo against knowing who or what you really are behind the mask of your seperate, independent and iscolated ego.

T.George Harris:
"Our generation knows a cold hell, solitary confinement in this life, without a God to damn or save it. Until man figures out the trap and hunts 'the ultimate ground of being', he has no reason to exist. He is not really a person, but a victim of self-extinction.

Some birds are eagles, and some doves, the less i preach, the more likey i am to be heard"


x

Realisation.

Driving home was like coming back from a dream. I talked to my dad and told him a lot of things I could never have told him before, I could actually talk to him, this was weird.
I couldn’t settle for a while, still with Uni on my mind, but its getting better.

I couldn’t sleep in my room, it felt wrong, crammed with old memories I didn’t need anymore. So I moved everything, my bed, my draws, it took sweat, blisters and stubbed toes but I feel better. My bed is no longer next to my window, but facing down across my room, my dressing table is next to my window, with a vase of yellow roses from my mum. I cleared out 7 bags of things, clothes, toys, old work, all of it used to mean something, but not its all obsolete, I’ve never remembered or needed any of it whilst being up in stoke so I can live without it. I’m refusing to horde old memories anymore; I hate living in the past.

Everything and everybody here is the same, nothings changed since I left, I feel like I’m taking steps backwards already. I don’t want to get lazy. I got high, but it wasn’t what I remember, I listened to the music I’d forgotten, and I can’t relate to anymore, I can’t remember the fun I used to have here. I feel bloated from munchies and my brains shutting off again.

At least I have some time away. It still sucks, but its helping me realise what an arsehole you were, yes I got upset and angry with myself, I took it all out on myself but I shouldn’t have, I should be angry with you, I should refuse to talk to you, and I wish I could, but life’s to short, still would like you around, so I’m biting my tongue, the feeling will go away, then maybe we can be cool. I really don’t care what you think of me at the moment, I’m glad I’m away from you for a while. I’ve stopped defending you to people anymore, because I believe them, you did mess me around. At least I know never to let it happen again.

I wish i'd have known before.

I wish I didn’t waste time rebooting my body with my mind creating worlds that dosn’t exist. I get so far in my dreams, sometimes surviving deeper fear and pain than I have ever faced in reality, but then I wake up and have achieved nothing, and I am only faced with the anticipation of those fears becoming my reality, I know I’m stronger in my dreams. In reality, will I collapse under the pressure, weep through a child’s eyes and cower away? Defeated, a failure.

If I didn’t need to sleep I could rule the world. I could watch the night skies without the pain of drained eyes, blushed cheeks and a weak body. I would explore the shadows and defeat the monsters. I would follow the stars that don’t exist anymore and wonder if I was going anywhere.

On a seperate, less romantic note

By the way you’re a fucking dick, nice to know you don’t have 5 minutes for me these days. Also just got told I would attract more guys if I wasn’t such a fag, nice to know what lovely friends are waiting for me back home. Really don’t want to leave. I know my friends are here now in Stoke.

I miss you.

I don’t want to cry again but this fucking hurts.

I don’t want to sleep.

x

eugh sorry about all the depressing posts, the last one was proberly mainly down to lack of sleep and come down. i need to sleep more, eat more and be more posotive. my mind has just been messed with, but theres not a lot i can do about it and more and more questioning isnt going to help, im never going to get a right answer.

i just want to be home. i can't wait till this feeling subsides.

Was having an alright night, pretty drunk, pretty tripping, good dance, taxi ride, cigarettes, wasn’t thinking. I liked not thinking. It was ok. Then my mind decided to make me live my biggest fears through my dreams, what I know is inevitable was happening to me and I was trapped with it in my head, helpless behind my eyes. I’ve woken up falling apart, suppressing crying.

I’m taking all the advise, I’m thinking of all the positives. Mostly, im trying to believe the logic that this is the right thing and that I’ll be ok, trying to hide from the spiral of confusion and self pity that I keep slipping into, where the positives loose all meaning and all I feel is hollow and desolate.

I feel better for just typing this out, seeping out all the pain and fear through my fingers onto my keys.

I wish my heart would stop sinking. I cant win with myself, I distract myself with friends and laughs, but then when I’m alone, its still there, when I’m asleep its in my dreams and when I’m awake I don’t want to be anywhere that I am, I don’t want to be at uni, I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to be feeling anything.

I’m sorry I’m not right, maybe I don’t look quite right, or I do stupid things. I do regret being this way.

X

i feel like i've achieved nothing this year. i've only messed things up and been let down. i dont want to leave. i dont want my birthday to come. it feels like im standing grabbing at memories and moments and there just out of reach, moving to fast for me to catch. i feel sick and empty.

today was beaufitul, wandering places i didn't know with people i love but i didnt feel there.
this feeling will go, i've survived worse, i just don't understand why. whats wrong with me?

Whatever this becomes

Whatever words I say

We are the fortunate ones...
And when the days are done
I won't forget
All I see in you and me
Is a light in the dark of humanity
And when the days are done
I won't forget
Timid steps - come walk with me
And with your useless words
Come talk to me
There are broken hearts
Now on your stereo
But the broken beats are just too slow
You'll cry - it doesn't change a thing
Kill the lights - and let the rain fall
Recall - the memories
Of yesterdays and better ways
And know - the innocence is gone...
Move on - from this day on
We'll never be the same...
The saddest songs
Make sense to me...
So with your sunken eyes
Come talk to me
Two hour drives
Are two hours alone
But two hour drives
Are better than home
You'll die - it doesn't change a thing
You will - kill the lights
And let the rain fall - recall
The memories of yesterdays
And better ways
And know - the innocence is gone...
Move on - from this day on
We'll never be the same...
Faster words - and faster kids
Faster songs - and faster ends
The one thing that's stayed the same...
I've lived through days
I've lived through nights
I've had my loves
I've had my fights
You gotta know - you have my heart

Give up the ghost <3

I’m in an odd mood, nothing makes a lot of sense, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in my scarred body, headached head and heartached heart.

everything will be brighter tomorrow

don'tmakepromisesyoucan'tkeep.

may 23rd.
I’ve spent my day in an haze of physical and emotional exhaustion. Waking up was like having déjà vu of about a month ago, at first I was sleepy and dreamy and peaceful, and then I remembered why my eyes were sore, then I rolled over and stared at the wall, feeling numb.

It’s sinking in again, you’re not coming over, you’re not going to hold me anymore and you’re never going to feel what I thought you did. I’m annoyed at myself, I knew all along I was scared of opening myself up, being venerable, and this is why, I’ve only proved myself right. I should trust my instincts more; I just wanted to ignore them because they weren’t what I wanted to listen to, I wanted to be able to trust, I was stupid, I believed you were happy, just because I was.

I feel used. Stupid. Naive. I’m never doing this again. You’ve fucked it, for good.

LET ME LEARN TO LOVE BECAUSE I CAN FEEL MY FACE SINKING THROUGH BRUISED BONES.
GODDAM THE YESTERDAYS.
I CRUSH YOUR CROWN/NO MORE GODS/NO MORE GRAVES/NO MORE LOVE/NO MORE HATE.
I AM BEAT BUT FAR FROM BLEEDING.
THE BLUE EYES CAME/THE BROWN EYES LEFT/THE REST IS MISERY/I COULD HAVE DIED WITH YOU.
SITTING ONLY BECAUSE I COULDNT STAND TO WALK MUCH FURTHER UNDER BLACK SKIES WITH WATERED EYES.

a magpie sat next to me on the bridge this morning, just as i was standing in the stagnant heat, thinking nothing but fear and pain. i wondered if the magpie was lonley to, i'd like to think she hadnt found her partner yet, i hoped she hadnt lost him, i hoped she would find him soon. the magpie flew away and i stayed, resenting myself, wishing i could fly.

im wishing for to many things right now.
i left the flat at 4:30am, just to get away, sat in the park, deciding on negative conclusions, walked, didnt think, sat by the lake, drank, i didnt want to remember you.

if i dont sleep i can't wake up without you

why wont you just open up to me, i try and open up and all i get is, "i dont know what i think" or "i have no opinion", and its not silly little things, its my worries and fears and fucking problems that upset me, i feel like there being ignored, i tried talking and its not helped, if i can't tell issues and if they cant be resolved then there gonna be stuck in my head, getting worse, making me feel shit. just give me something, i wish i was i was more special to you. i wish you thought of me.

notice me

i should not post things after drinking wine.

Self-indulgent, attention seeking, whining, probing, bitching and cowardly, whatever happened to confrontation?

In essence, I don’t like blogs, (BUT THIS IS PRIVATE SO ITS FINE). Stupid bloody internet. I keep thinking to myself that it’s something that I need to do, to make me stronger. I know people think I’m a slut/slag/whore/bitch/shag-rag, whatever, and that’s fair, I’ve fucked up enough to deserve that. But I refuse to subscribe to anything like Formspring, people I know are a lot stronger than I am and can take it, just knowing it doesn’t matter, but I’m not strong enough for anonymous comments, from strangers yes fine, but at the end of the day any comments bringing me down are most likely to be from people that know me and that I see round day to day, that’s more hurtful than a complete stranger. I made Liam delete the joint account he made for us, I think its unnecessary, yes I’ve done things I regretted, I’m paying for them, and people can have their opinions but just don’t talk to me if you don’t like me, I’m not bothered anymore.
I’m just not a fan of endless insults, I’ve learnt from my mistakes, if you don’t believe this, once again fair enough, but I’ll prove you wrong. and yes judge me, but on who I am rather than the mistakes I’ve made, I’ve heard a few people from uni hate me, and that’s no loss to me, the thing that bothers me is that they’ve never spoken to me for more than five minutes. Everyone will think what you will, but I’m young, we all are, we are always learning. You will fuck up and regret it, and if you take this judgement on me then I hope people take the same judgement on you when you make your mistakes, it will happen. I know shit I’ve done, and I’ve taken enough punishment and guilt for it, mostly in my own head, I ignore it now, because I can’t take anymore.

Blog eh??

This Blog is for me, and no one else. Just my place to write thoughts and try and understand myself a bit more. I suppose its an attempt to separate the confusion in my head into rational thoughts. Things always become clearer for me when I write them down; I’ve always been like this.

I’ve had trouble expressing myself recently, I’ve felt frustrated and I’ve upset a few people by being this way, which I regret. So I think this could be a good outlet so I don’t bottle all my inner head stupidities up until they blind me completely to everything amazing in my life.

I kept diaries from the ages of eight to sixteen, I look back on them and think I sound like an absolute twat most of the time and I’m not expecting anything less from this blog. So if anyone thinks I sound like a nonsensical fool then I will most likely agree with this.

Excuse any spelling and grammatical errors; I’m simply a bit rubbish like that.

right.........

I’ve felt more peaceful today than I have for a while, I think it’s the sunshine, sunshine makes everything better.

I’ve felt conflicted for a while, and unsure, I realise I’m too sensitive as to what people think, and I isolate myself from others through fear of judgement. I create a shell of around myself and as expected this approach has left me feeling lonely. I’ve driven myself into a corner with a lot of people at Uni because I feel venerable and to counter act this I just don’t try with people. Basically I’m not me. And I’m not sure why.

As it goes, I’m happy and I shouldn’t complain, I know amazing people that make my days worth getting out of bed. Still I can’t help worrying that I’m going to shit it all up; I have a track record for destroying my own life, which is worrying.

For now I’m falling through life, trying not to get hurt, trying to be sensible and trying to establish who I am.

I look at the stars when I’m scared, sounds stupid right, well I don't care, it helps me remember how insignificant all this is, how I shouldn’t care about a look or a comment, and how I should just make myself happy, fuck everyone else, do stupid things, go places I’m not supposed to and look at things in different ways. I used to fear my insignificance, now I embrace it, it helps me laugh at life and how silly and unnecessary most day to day troubles are.

So with this in mind, for tonight anyway, I’m not going to let negative thoughts and worries keep me from relaxing. I’m going to have a night by myself, I’m going to watch Wayne’s world, listen to the gaslight anthem and immerse myself in nostalgia. Hopefully I’ll have good dreams tonight because theres so much more than this.

<3