Was having an alright night, pretty drunk, pretty tripping, good dance, taxi ride, cigarettes, wasn’t thinking. I liked not thinking. It was ok. Then my mind decided to make me live my biggest fears through my dreams, what I know is inevitable was happening to me and I was trapped with it in my head, helpless behind my eyes. I’ve woken up falling apart, suppressing crying.

I’m taking all the advise, I’m thinking of all the positives. Mostly, im trying to believe the logic that this is the right thing and that I’ll be ok, trying to hide from the spiral of confusion and self pity that I keep slipping into, where the positives loose all meaning and all I feel is hollow and desolate.

I feel better for just typing this out, seeping out all the pain and fear through my fingers onto my keys.

I wish my heart would stop sinking. I cant win with myself, I distract myself with friends and laughs, but then when I’m alone, its still there, when I’m asleep its in my dreams and when I’m awake I don’t want to be anywhere that I am, I don’t want to be at uni, I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to be feeling anything.

I’m sorry I’m not right, maybe I don’t look quite right, or I do stupid things. I do regret being this way.

X