Blog eh??

This Blog is for me, and no one else. Just my place to write thoughts and try and understand myself a bit more. I suppose its an attempt to separate the confusion in my head into rational thoughts. Things always become clearer for me when I write them down; I’ve always been like this.

I’ve had trouble expressing myself recently, I’ve felt frustrated and I’ve upset a few people by being this way, which I regret. So I think this could be a good outlet so I don’t bottle all my inner head stupidities up until they blind me completely to everything amazing in my life.

I kept diaries from the ages of eight to sixteen, I look back on them and think I sound like an absolute twat most of the time and I’m not expecting anything less from this blog. So if anyone thinks I sound like a nonsensical fool then I will most likely agree with this.

Excuse any spelling and grammatical errors; I’m simply a bit rubbish like that.

right.........

I’ve felt more peaceful today than I have for a while, I think it’s the sunshine, sunshine makes everything better.

I’ve felt conflicted for a while, and unsure, I realise I’m too sensitive as to what people think, and I isolate myself from others through fear of judgement. I create a shell of around myself and as expected this approach has left me feeling lonely. I’ve driven myself into a corner with a lot of people at Uni because I feel venerable and to counter act this I just don’t try with people. Basically I’m not me. And I’m not sure why.

As it goes, I’m happy and I shouldn’t complain, I know amazing people that make my days worth getting out of bed. Still I can’t help worrying that I’m going to shit it all up; I have a track record for destroying my own life, which is worrying.

For now I’m falling through life, trying not to get hurt, trying to be sensible and trying to establish who I am.

I look at the stars when I’m scared, sounds stupid right, well I don't care, it helps me remember how insignificant all this is, how I shouldn’t care about a look or a comment, and how I should just make myself happy, fuck everyone else, do stupid things, go places I’m not supposed to and look at things in different ways. I used to fear my insignificance, now I embrace it, it helps me laugh at life and how silly and unnecessary most day to day troubles are.

So with this in mind, for tonight anyway, I’m not going to let negative thoughts and worries keep me from relaxing. I’m going to have a night by myself, I’m going to watch Wayne’s world, listen to the gaslight anthem and immerse myself in nostalgia. Hopefully I’ll have good dreams tonight because theres so much more than this.

<3