I have a little pit of panic swelling up inside me that keeps bursting out in spurts of chain smoking, frustrated confused rants and throwing shoes around my room. I'm tired and tense and irritated, all I want to do is spend long lazy days in bed rather than running round trying to negotiate the media centre and fucking siso and snooty looks and early dysfunctional mornings and a temperamental keyboard.

Its just one of those days.....again....where everything, technology, the elements and my own functionality seem against me.

I hate not getting my work done, and I'm trying which is the most annoying thing, I want to be good at my work and there's no reason why I shouldn't be, but the more I think, the more I panic and the more I want to hide.

Ugh.

Good morning.

Thing of awesome No1:

Fish Finger Sandwich for Breakfast.....



Ok mine wasn't quite this mega but it was still mouthgasmic










No2:

Had a Freaky Scary dream.....


I remember flashes of walking skeletons, faces in the clouds and seeing my own death. This was awesome because In a weird way it made me proud of my sub concious, imaginative little bastard that it is. Yes a bit terrifying but I woke up alive.






No3:
Tonight.....We party....


I haven't graced a night out since the last tragic night of nearly passing out in the LRV, being walked/carried home, weeping over a spilt ash tray whilst having to be undressed all the time trying not to vomit. Good night.

That was a week or 2 ago, an unacceptably long time for a student to be sober I believe. Anticipation for tonight is mounting.


No4

watching lots and lots of Flight of the concords,
in my pyjama's.....


"Does the cold of deep space
Make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae
to transmit date back to earth?
I betcha do, you freaky old bastard you."


And finally........

No5:

No alarm clock. Morning cuddles. Pillow fights.







I Love the little things in life x

I hate seeing my friends upset, especially when it seems so easily fixable. Well on the surface its easy but I guess that's only if you ignore all hurt feelings and bad words spoken, which is not so straightforward. But through whatever insecurity you have, whatever bitterness, hurting people becomes a way of coping. I feel sorry for people that cope in this way. Why go out of your way to cause hatred and upset people, especially a friend who cares so much about you and who speaks with such pained sincerity about your worth to him. I hope this gets fixed, lifes to short to make enemies out of your friends.

"Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead. Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already"


"Thank Heaven! the crisis --The danger, is past, and the lingering illness, is over at last --, and the fever called ''Living'' is conquered at last."


"For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

Brian and Nick = YES

"It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause she's lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?"

Saturday afternoon, trying to occupy my mind with Hunky Dory, Dorian Grey and candle smoke.

Also I remembered this video that my friend Dan showed me over summer.
I challenge you to watch it without being disturbed, wanting to cry or feel slightly sick.
Its just put me in a very odd mood. Its beautiful in a haunting way, heart-wrenchingly sad and shows a deep understanding of human emotion and soul, without any words.
And its just some genuinely creepy shit really.






Right after watching that I seriously need to cheer myself up . Once again I have to much to do and not enough time for all of it.

1. Start writing news story
2. Read more Dorian Grey
3. Print out web pages
4. Rent an old film from the library
5. Stop feeling so overwhelmed

x

WIN

http://catsinsinks.com/

Who doesn't like a cat in a sink.....cats are awesome, sinks are pretty nifty to.

"If eyes are the window to the soul then close the curtains on mine, you don't wanna know"

I <3 Dexter.

too much to say. Not enough time right now.

Feeling a bit empty today.
Web based journalsim, first project, create a blog on your passion. Right, cool....or not. Why am i struggling with this so much?
I'm not an in passionate person. I write, read, watch and absorb myself in aspects of most things, but i flicker between fads at such a rate, giving up, finding something new to wizz through for a few hours. Nothing catches my attention for long enough.
I never declare my love for things anymore, or if i do i don't follow them up. I'm often easily pleased, happy in a moment, I don't fully emerge myself into anything.
This is playing on my mind more than it should, its a silly project...
My passions are fleeting. I don't obsess over genres or clothes or stereotypes. I know to little about too many things.

I obsess over people, how they think, how they work, life and death and meaning are always circling my head, trying to understand, swim above life not sink underneath the nonsensical madness of it all. But somehow I don't think that's what my lecturer has in mind...

Moment of self doubt ranted out. No more anxiety. Breathe.

Lets get some mother fucking passion

Snooze.......Snooze......Snooze.......Snooze.....Off....

time 11:36

"Honey this town is a prison, with its four walls closing in
and they got one pill to make you smaller, they one pill to make you scream.
Darling this heart is on fire, and this life is but a dream"


I'm quite happy enjoying the hugs, kiss's, scary stories, cigarettes and gummy snakes of the last few weeks. Its easy, I'm smiling or in hysterics most of the time. Have also been viewing some awesome cinematic productions ^^ haha

I was unsure of my feelings but when I realise I'm waiting up till 3am for a cuddle I realise he makes me happy, and why complicate it more than that?

"smile Jess you look so pretty when you do"

Today is a good day. I've smiled mucho ^^.

I was worried about being original. But its OK. There's no such thing.

I was worried I'd lost my feelings. I genuinely thought I was cursed for a month or two. But its ok, I think I've found them again.

I drink to much coffee.
I used to dose it up with 8 sugars and lovely milk to make it sweet.
Now I like it strong and bitter and out of a huge hot chocolate mug.
Then I buzz around doing everything in a blur, like a hummingbird apparently.
Then I have a cigarette and more coffee. This may be why time pass's very quickly, I don't have time to stop, there's to much to do and to see, yet I always feel like hours/days/months have passed, and I haven't achieved anything. Buzzing on coffee, running, panicking, organising. Maybe I'm just trying to keep up with life, or over take it, before it over takes me, I never can, I wish sometimes it would just stop. And I could breathe.

Haven't blogged since June, phwoar. Not that I've had nothing to say, I've been itching to write, I just haven't, so we won't dwell.

I've always worried about judgement, and when I know I'm being judged I hide myself, I defend myself from the pretences of life, so blogging feels odd to me.

I surprise myself with the things I write, often not thinking and just spilling thoughts I don't realise I have. So lets not take this to seriously.....I, like most, don't understand myself, your opinion of me will probably be more accurate than what any years of my own psycho analysis could conclude, so take what you will, sympathise, destroy, detest, love, which ever takes your fancy. Its all opinion. Valid, and individual.

Ok so....

Check this out - http://www.mediastorm.com/publication/low-morale-creep

Its an awesome video by Laith Bahrani. I found it on MediaStorm, an amazing site put together with the individual work of photo Journalists, most are short films or projects and I would recommend you watch, some are educational, eye opening, most are just bloody interesting. This particular video is a cartoon of a soul less everyday existence. One I personally fear.

Also watch the Marlboro Marine, http://www.mediastorm.com/publication/the-marlboro-marine

"In this parable of the emotional and psychological aftereffects of war, Luis Sinco documents the subtle and devastating ways a man's life can be forever changed":




He was watching the sunrise when the photojournalist snapped the infamous shot which fueled the Iraq war propaganda, he was thinking about dying, about the sunrise being his last. The video shows his journey after returning from the war, struggling with his new perspective on life, and struggling with wanting to end it. Its beautiful work.

Also here's a pretty sweet death cab for cutie cover:



I'm normally a metal/hardcore kind of girl but I do love my slow heartache songs as well. Been listening to them more recently, and I'm a sucker for an acoustic guitar or in this case a bit of piano. Plus the video is black and white, I've always been attracted to black and white imagery, like many I simply find it beautiful.


I realise this post has no real direction or purpose but in most cases direction and purpose are human delusions of self worth so I don't think it really matters does it.