I think I'm beginning to live more logically and less romantically. Maybe it’s just an effect of recent experiences; I think I'm less naive, either that or more in control of my emotions, there not as sporadic at the moment. Or it could just be the lack of sleep that lead to an inability to feel any emotion strongly when I feel weak and my muscles ache.
I feel like a burden at the moment so I'm going to stop being a burden and bugging everyone, I'm becoming paranoid because I'm annoying myself and so think I must be irritating everyone.
So I'm going to stop doing that and just keep to myself for a while.
I'm going to stop trying to find something in a person that isn’t there.
I'm sick of trying to impress everyone and keep everyone happy.
I need to spend some time working myself out; I'm still lost as to what I want. All I know is that I'm tired, irritable and sick of everything around me and the fucking empty words people keep talking at me.
I'm too angry about situations that I might be blowing out of proportion, to upset with people for no fault of their own. I need to sleep and clear my head.
Maybe I can explain things better tomorrow.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Thursday, 17 June 2010
4am and I've found myself not able to sleep, cluthing my pillow, scared, thoughts running through my head, filling me with an odd fear, I'm unsure, lost.
I really dislike sitting alone in the dark, feeling very awake and restless. No lyrics make sense at the moment, i've tried somber, angry and happy music but I can't connect, I can't concentrate, I'm only focoused on this silly little sickness in the middle of my stomach. Its there but I don't understand it, i've been ignoring it these past few weeks but when it comes back its more sickly.
I feel like i've failed, i've failed because I havent tried and I'm going to keep failing every day, more sickness, until I sort myself out. I need a direction, motovation but I see nothing that I want to do, nothing that I can do. I'm just me, I dont think I fit, I don't have a dream or want/need to do anything. The only things that make me happy at the moment are my friends. I'm finding it hard to see a meaning or a purpose. I want to be better, have someone tell me I can do something right, because I honestly don't know if I'm good enough.
You fight monsters under your bed to grow up and fight the ones in your head.
I need to grow up and face myself.
I really dislike sitting alone in the dark, feeling very awake and restless. No lyrics make sense at the moment, i've tried somber, angry and happy music but I can't connect, I can't concentrate, I'm only focoused on this silly little sickness in the middle of my stomach. Its there but I don't understand it, i've been ignoring it these past few weeks but when it comes back its more sickly.
I feel like i've failed, i've failed because I havent tried and I'm going to keep failing every day, more sickness, until I sort myself out. I need a direction, motovation but I see nothing that I want to do, nothing that I can do. I'm just me, I dont think I fit, I don't have a dream or want/need to do anything. The only things that make me happy at the moment are my friends. I'm finding it hard to see a meaning or a purpose. I want to be better, have someone tell me I can do something right, because I honestly don't know if I'm good enough.
You fight monsters under your bed to grow up and fight the ones in your head.
I need to grow up and face myself.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
eep, have not blogged in way too long.
I dont feel like theres a lot going on with me at the moment, nothing to scream or shout about anyway. The last couple of weeks have bounced between horiffic bordem and moderate to fairly severe intoxication. Im just enjoying being out with my mates again, yeah im not being productive, but no one else in this town is either.
Seeing old faces isnt scary anymore. Even charlie, no one cares now.
I feel like im managing to fix things again, get everything back the way it was before it fell apart. And its working, everyones hanging out more, im the host again and everyone has been ridicously honest these last few days, but its not even bad things, its just stuff we can all laugh about now, like mistakes and secrets that got out.
But i think i'm spending to much time messing about with my friends, high and drunk at 2 in the afternoon is not good every day of the week, i wish i was back in stoke.
On the up-side im actually enjoying feeling free at the moment, i dont want to worry about anybody messing with my head. But im worried i might be messing with someone else's.
I really have not felt the need to blog anything recently, its stagnant here, im happy, dazed and useless.
Tomorrow im going to
1.Continue writing lyrics on my ceiling.
2.Read.
win
I dont feel like theres a lot going on with me at the moment, nothing to scream or shout about anyway. The last couple of weeks have bounced between horiffic bordem and moderate to fairly severe intoxication. Im just enjoying being out with my mates again, yeah im not being productive, but no one else in this town is either.
Seeing old faces isnt scary anymore. Even charlie, no one cares now.
I feel like im managing to fix things again, get everything back the way it was before it fell apart. And its working, everyones hanging out more, im the host again and everyone has been ridicously honest these last few days, but its not even bad things, its just stuff we can all laugh about now, like mistakes and secrets that got out.
But i think i'm spending to much time messing about with my friends, high and drunk at 2 in the afternoon is not good every day of the week, i wish i was back in stoke.
On the up-side im actually enjoying feeling free at the moment, i dont want to worry about anybody messing with my head. But im worried i might be messing with someone else's.
I really have not felt the need to blog anything recently, its stagnant here, im happy, dazed and useless.
Tomorrow im going to
1.Continue writing lyrics on my ceiling.
2.Read.
win
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Monday, 31 May 2010
Today has lacked awesome. I feel lazy, I just want to get out somewhere and do something that dosnt involve being stoned or getting wasted.
I have however re-kindled my love of strawberry's today, I went off them for ages because they were sour, (i have an insane sweet tooth), but had some today and it was like eating summer. I need to eat more fruit, less rubbish. I wish I hadnt eat so much at all today. Im starting an official diet, no weed, I cant handle having the munchies every day. I hate having days when i feel and look bigger and the image that i see in the mirror seems warped, it makes me angry and unhappy.
Im getting my tongue pierced and my hair done and I hope I will feel different. I know its awful but I will feel more myself once dan moves out, he brings me down a lot, he has a very depressing outlook on life that makes me spiral into pointlessness much of the time, I'm finding it harder to have a good time around him when all he talks about is how we shouldnt exist, how humans are worthless and everything would be better if there was nothing, or if he killed himself.
I know he never would kill himself but I have my days when I worry about him. He's smarter than he gives himself credit for and he could do so much more than he will let himself, it frustrates me. Since beign at Uni its given me a different perspective, life has so much more meaning and worth. Why sit and waste it? I cant explain whey were here or wether we should be, maybe we would all be better off never existing at all, its one way of looking at things, but if you have this constant perspective that you are a useless life, disconnected from everything, cut off, how can you ever be happy?
Me and Dan are very opposite, and i have to constantly argue my optamistic perspective of life, trying to convince him that there is value and happiness in existing and that life is not expendable.
Even so, today has not been a good day. Not because of any particular event, worry or fear, but just through my recent lack of sleep and brain use, I'm restless.
I miss Stoke already, I can't talk to anyone down here as much. I've either grown up or become boring?
Right, enough of this silly typing. The rest of my thoughts will have to be ignored for now. I'm going to amuse myself with wandering, I will do something worthwhile today, everyday should be worth something.
I miss you.
"At 3 A.M. these streetlights light the way
But don't illuminate the question in my mind
"Am I going anywhere?"
The things we aspire to change
They just stay the same
The things I aspire to be
Seem to elude me"
Death is not glamorous- Set in stone.
I have however re-kindled my love of strawberry's today, I went off them for ages because they were sour, (i have an insane sweet tooth), but had some today and it was like eating summer. I need to eat more fruit, less rubbish. I wish I hadnt eat so much at all today. Im starting an official diet, no weed, I cant handle having the munchies every day. I hate having days when i feel and look bigger and the image that i see in the mirror seems warped, it makes me angry and unhappy.
Im getting my tongue pierced and my hair done and I hope I will feel different. I know its awful but I will feel more myself once dan moves out, he brings me down a lot, he has a very depressing outlook on life that makes me spiral into pointlessness much of the time, I'm finding it harder to have a good time around him when all he talks about is how we shouldnt exist, how humans are worthless and everything would be better if there was nothing, or if he killed himself.
I know he never would kill himself but I have my days when I worry about him. He's smarter than he gives himself credit for and he could do so much more than he will let himself, it frustrates me. Since beign at Uni its given me a different perspective, life has so much more meaning and worth. Why sit and waste it? I cant explain whey were here or wether we should be, maybe we would all be better off never existing at all, its one way of looking at things, but if you have this constant perspective that you are a useless life, disconnected from everything, cut off, how can you ever be happy?
Me and Dan are very opposite, and i have to constantly argue my optamistic perspective of life, trying to convince him that there is value and happiness in existing and that life is not expendable.
Even so, today has not been a good day. Not because of any particular event, worry or fear, but just through my recent lack of sleep and brain use, I'm restless.
I miss Stoke already, I can't talk to anyone down here as much. I've either grown up or become boring?
Right, enough of this silly typing. The rest of my thoughts will have to be ignored for now. I'm going to amuse myself with wandering, I will do something worthwhile today, everyday should be worth something.
I miss you.
"At 3 A.M. these streetlights light the way
But don't illuminate the question in my mind
"Am I going anywhere?"
The things we aspire to change
They just stay the same
The things I aspire to be
Seem to elude me"
Death is not glamorous- Set in stone.
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Profilezzz HAI
- Jessica Jane
- HELLO. Right, my name is Jessica and I'm a second year Journalism students at Staffs Uni. I was asked to blog about my passion so I chose to blog my Uni house and all my weird brain-box friends that occupy it. So here it is, enjoy!