Im happy, comfy, laughing, the only thing to make this better would be being cuddled. ^-^


oh yes and this is me in a past life......



i was chinese
AND
it explains the shark/dinosaur phobia .....

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WIN :D

Today has lacked awesome. I feel lazy, I just want to get out somewhere and do something that dosnt involve being stoned or getting wasted.

I have however re-kindled my love of strawberry's today, I went off them for ages because they were sour, (i have an insane sweet tooth), but had some today and it was like eating summer. I need to eat more fruit, less rubbish. I wish I hadnt eat so much at all today. Im starting an official diet, no weed, I cant handle having the munchies every day. I hate having days when i feel and look bigger and the image that i see in the mirror seems warped, it makes me angry and unhappy.

Im getting my tongue pierced and my hair done and I hope I will feel different. I know its awful but I will feel more myself once dan moves out, he brings me down a lot, he has a very depressing outlook on life that makes me spiral into pointlessness much of the time, I'm finding it harder to have a good time around him when all he talks about is how we shouldnt exist, how humans are worthless and everything would be better if there was nothing, or if he killed himself.

I know he never would kill himself but I have my days when I worry about him. He's smarter than he gives himself credit for and he could do so much more than he will let himself, it frustrates me. Since beign at Uni its given me a different perspective, life has so much more meaning and worth. Why sit and waste it? I cant explain whey were here or wether we should be, maybe we would all be better off never existing at all, its one way of looking at things, but if you have this constant perspective that you are a useless life, disconnected from everything, cut off, how can you ever be happy?

Me and Dan are very opposite, and i have to constantly argue my optamistic perspective of life, trying to convince him that there is value and happiness in existing and that life is not expendable.
Even so, today has not been a good day. Not because of any particular event, worry or fear, but just through my recent lack of sleep and brain use, I'm restless.

I miss Stoke already, I can't talk to anyone down here as much. I've either grown up or become boring?

Right, enough of this silly typing. The rest of my thoughts will have to be ignored for now. I'm going to amuse myself with wandering, I will do something worthwhile today, everyday should be worth something.
I miss you.


"At 3 A.M. these streetlights light the way
But don't illuminate the question in my mind
"Am I going anywhere?"
The things we aspire to change
They just stay the same
The things I aspire to be
Seem to elude me"

Death is not glamorous- Set in stone.

I've spent to much time latley feeling wrong, odd, useless and unattractive. The reign of self pity over my life had subdued my confidence and my belief in myself. I just want to take off all my make up, brush out all the hairspray, sit in an old t-shirt and have someone think i'm beautiful.

Its all a fake mystery of unnesscary perception. We get lost in worlds, attracted to the beautful, the empty, petty need to fit, to be right. None of it is real. The reality is the connection between everything, its to hard to percieve for more than a few fleeting moments of the day, but its something that should always be thought on. We are filled with a hollow ignorance of the world, blinded by everyday interactions, obsessions. We hide away because the struggle to understand ourselves is intimidating and seemingly impossible. We hide behind a falsehood of consumption and materialism.

Find yourself. Don't be consumed by the insignificant.

x

This example of emotive imagery is of child in Uganda holding hands with a missionary. The stark contrast between the two people serves as a reminder of the gulf in wealth between developed and developing countries. Mike Wells, the photographer, took this picture to show the extent of starvation in Africa. He took it for a magazine, and when they went 5 months without printing it, he decided to enter it into a competition. However, Wells has stated that he is against winning a compeition with a picture of a starving boy.

This shocking photo depicts a starving Sudanese child being stalked by a patient vulture. It is a horrific picture that gave people a true look at the dire condition in Sub-Saharan Africa. Kevin Carter, who took the photo, won a Pulitzer Prize for this work. Kevin then came under a lot of scrutiny for spending over 20 minutes setting up the photo instead of helping the child. Three months after taking the photo, he committed suicide.

The book on the taboo against knowing who you are. Brillent.

"It is a special kind of enlightenment to have this feeling that usual, the way things normally are, is odd, uncanny and highly improbable. this feeling of universal oddity includes a basis and wintense wondering about the sense of things.

Why of all possible worlds, this colossal and apparently unnesscarry multitude of galexies in a mysteriously curved spacetime continuum, these myriads of differing tube-species playing frantic games of one-upmanship.

This wonder is not a disease, wonder is an expression in poetry and art it seems to distinguise the inetlligent and the sensetive from the morons.

We suffer a hallucination, from a false and distorted sesnsation of our own existence as living organisms.

This feeling of being lonely and very temporary visitors in the universe is in flat contradiction to everything known about man. We do not come ito this world. We come out of it.

Many people know this to be true, but continue to be aware of themselves as isolated "egos" inside bags of skin.

Irrevocable commitment to any religion is intellictual suicide. Just as money is not real, consumable wealth, books are not life. To idolize scriptures is like eating paper currancy.

The taboo is that our normal sensation of self is a hoax or, at, at best a temporary role which we are playing, or have been conned into playing with our own tacit consent, unwillingly hypnotized. The most strongly enforced of all known taboo's is the taboo against knowing who or what you really are behind the mask of your seperate, independent and iscolated ego.

T.George Harris:
"Our generation knows a cold hell, solitary confinement in this life, without a God to damn or save it. Until man figures out the trap and hunts 'the ultimate ground of being', he has no reason to exist. He is not really a person, but a victim of self-extinction.

Some birds are eagles, and some doves, the less i preach, the more likey i am to be heard"


x