I was worried about being original. But its OK. There's no such thing.

I was worried I'd lost my feelings. I genuinely thought I was cursed for a month or two. But its ok, I think I've found them again.

I drink to much coffee.
I used to dose it up with 8 sugars and lovely milk to make it sweet.
Now I like it strong and bitter and out of a huge hot chocolate mug.
Then I buzz around doing everything in a blur, like a hummingbird apparently.
Then I have a cigarette and more coffee. This may be why time pass's very quickly, I don't have time to stop, there's to much to do and to see, yet I always feel like hours/days/months have passed, and I haven't achieved anything. Buzzing on coffee, running, panicking, organising. Maybe I'm just trying to keep up with life, or over take it, before it over takes me, I never can, I wish sometimes it would just stop. And I could breathe.

Haven't blogged since June, phwoar. Not that I've had nothing to say, I've been itching to write, I just haven't, so we won't dwell.

I've always worried about judgement, and when I know I'm being judged I hide myself, I defend myself from the pretences of life, so blogging feels odd to me.

I surprise myself with the things I write, often not thinking and just spilling thoughts I don't realise I have. So lets not take this to seriously.....I, like most, don't understand myself, your opinion of me will probably be more accurate than what any years of my own psycho analysis could conclude, so take what you will, sympathise, destroy, detest, love, which ever takes your fancy. Its all opinion. Valid, and individual.

Ok so....

Check this out - http://www.mediastorm.com/publication/low-morale-creep

Its an awesome video by Laith Bahrani. I found it on MediaStorm, an amazing site put together with the individual work of photo Journalists, most are short films or projects and I would recommend you watch, some are educational, eye opening, most are just bloody interesting. This particular video is a cartoon of a soul less everyday existence. One I personally fear.

Also watch the Marlboro Marine, http://www.mediastorm.com/publication/the-marlboro-marine

"In this parable of the emotional and psychological aftereffects of war, Luis Sinco documents the subtle and devastating ways a man's life can be forever changed":




He was watching the sunrise when the photojournalist snapped the infamous shot which fueled the Iraq war propaganda, he was thinking about dying, about the sunrise being his last. The video shows his journey after returning from the war, struggling with his new perspective on life, and struggling with wanting to end it. Its beautiful work.

Also here's a pretty sweet death cab for cutie cover:



I'm normally a metal/hardcore kind of girl but I do love my slow heartache songs as well. Been listening to them more recently, and I'm a sucker for an acoustic guitar or in this case a bit of piano. Plus the video is black and white, I've always been attracted to black and white imagery, like many I simply find it beautiful.


I realise this post has no real direction or purpose but in most cases direction and purpose are human delusions of self worth so I don't think it really matters does it.

I think I'm beginning to live more logically and less romantically. Maybe it’s just an effect of recent experiences; I think I'm less naive, either that or more in control of my emotions, there not as sporadic at the moment. Or it could just be the lack of sleep that lead to an inability to feel any emotion strongly when I feel weak and my muscles ache.

I feel like a burden at the moment so I'm going to stop being a burden and bugging everyone, I'm becoming paranoid because I'm annoying myself and so think I must be irritating everyone.

So I'm going to stop doing that and just keep to myself for a while.
I'm going to stop trying to find something in a person that isn’t there.
I'm sick of trying to impress everyone and keep everyone happy.
I need to spend some time working myself out; I'm still lost as to what I want. All I know is that I'm tired, irritable and sick of everything around me and the fucking empty words people keep talking at me.

I'm too angry about situations that I might be blowing out of proportion, to upset with people for no fault of their own. I need to sleep and clear my head.

Maybe I can explain things better tomorrow.

4am and I've found myself not able to sleep, cluthing my pillow, scared, thoughts running through my head, filling me with an odd fear, I'm unsure, lost.
I really dislike sitting alone in the dark, feeling very awake and restless. No lyrics make sense at the moment, i've tried somber, angry and happy music but I can't connect, I can't concentrate, I'm only focoused on this silly little sickness in the middle of my stomach. Its there but I don't understand it, i've been ignoring it these past few weeks but when it comes back its more sickly.
I feel like i've failed, i've failed because I havent tried and I'm going to keep failing every day, more sickness, until I sort myself out. I need a direction, motovation but I see nothing that I want to do, nothing that I can do. I'm just me, I dont think I fit, I don't have a dream or want/need to do anything. The only things that make me happy at the moment are my friends. I'm finding it hard to see a meaning or a purpose. I want to be better, have someone tell me I can do something right, because I honestly don't know if I'm good enough.
You fight monsters under your bed to grow up and fight the ones in your head.
I need to grow up and face myself.

eep, have not blogged in way too long.
I dont feel like theres a lot going on with me at the moment, nothing to scream or shout about anyway. The last couple of weeks have bounced between horiffic bordem and moderate to fairly severe intoxication. Im just enjoying being out with my mates again, yeah im not being productive, but no one else in this town is either.
Seeing old faces isnt scary anymore. Even charlie, no one cares now.
I feel like im managing to fix things again, get everything back the way it was before it fell apart. And its working, everyones hanging out more, im the host again and everyone has been ridicously honest these last few days, but its not even bad things, its just stuff we can all laugh about now, like mistakes and secrets that got out.
But i think i'm spending to much time messing about with my friends, high and drunk at 2 in the afternoon is not good every day of the week, i wish i was back in stoke.
On the up-side im actually enjoying feeling free at the moment, i dont want to worry about anybody messing with my head. But im worried i might be messing with someone else's.

I really have not felt the need to blog anything recently, its stagnant here, im happy, dazed and useless.

Tomorrow im going to
1.Continue writing lyrics on my ceiling.
2.Read.

win